at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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