he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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