Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
