His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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