i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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