I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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