i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
