JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
