I can text with my tongue
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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