either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
