my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
