There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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