I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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