i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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