I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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