I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
