I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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