I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
