Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
