Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
