Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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