at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
