So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting