based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Randomize
