the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend