Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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