Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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