her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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