I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
