We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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