the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
