i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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