Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
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I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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