i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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