did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
