hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
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So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
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