...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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