you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
