Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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