I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
