hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
