why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
