why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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