I heard we made out
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?