Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary