My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
