Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
