you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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