Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
