My first STD was from a foam party
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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