This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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