it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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