I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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