So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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