i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
