Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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