Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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