Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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