A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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