if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
the raccoons are back...
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