I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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