I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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