To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
